I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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