Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
