I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
