i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
