god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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