i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
