you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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