seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
