Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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