so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We left an ass print on the piano.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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