I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
