Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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