We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
