went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize