This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I know her cup size but not her name....
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
