The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
