We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
