I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
