you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
ttyl tear gas
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
