I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
