So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
