I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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