bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize