I would go down on you faster than GM stock
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
