If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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