I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
