shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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