I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
