he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
