I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
