***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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