Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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