he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Randomize
