Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
