Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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