I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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