Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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