If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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