I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
