If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
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