Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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