tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
