im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
