Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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