pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
