Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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