How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize