I just pynch a tree in the face
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
