I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
