he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
