I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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