the condom got lost in my hair
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
