i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
