How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
