I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
