remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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