FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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