I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize